It’s been about 10 months since Monkey joined our family. It’s been a time of immense joy, steep learning curves, and mind-numbing exhaustion. In spite of all that, I find it hard to remember life before Monkey.
Some examples of how life has changed:
1. I now shoot lasers out of my eyes at husband who isn’t walking on his tippy toes around the house after I just spent 1.5 hours putting the baby to sleep.
2. At the check-out in the store I have to pull a rubber squeaky giraffe, a diaper, and a leaking sippy cup out of my purse before I can finally locate my wallet.
3. I used to sleep in on the weekend and not hear, ‘meh... Meh?...Meh??! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHARRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” at 7am on the nose.
4. There was a time when I never thought I would have to make up voices and sing songs about traffic to entertain daughter who has decided that this 10 minute car ride is over. NOW.
5. I now break into a sweat when lovey goes missing. I’m talking a cold, cold, clammy, panicky, sheer terror sweat. The kind you would get if you were being chased around by a serial killer. Or when your Mastercard bill arrives.
6. I never realized how many times I would say ‘good enough’ in a day. That diaper is hanging on by a thread but Monkey will escape the second I come towards it so it’s, ‘good enough.’ Monkey’s outfit doesn’t match, in fact, she’s wearing two different socks and I can’t button up her onesie because she’s too long, but everything is already on her so for now, it’s, ‘good enough.’
7. I believe there once was a time when I could get fitted for new glasses and not have to worry that my daughter was eating half of the optometrist’s business card.
8. I never thought I’d see the day when I said things like, “Monkey, we do NOT eat [insert inedible and potentially dangerous household object here] or claw at people’s [insert various facial features]...”
9. When I would visit friends or relatives in the past they’d actually acknowledge my presence in the room. These days it plays out like this: *Meg rings doorbell excited to see another adult for once* *friend/relative opens door* *friend/relative immediately coos “Monkey! You came to visit me! You’re such a sweetheart...” as they confiscate baby, turn away from the door and walk into the house. *Meg is left forgotten in the doorway*... Yes, MOM, I’m talking to YOU!
10. Batteries are now at a premium. Yesterday, when desperately searching the house for working batteries for the baby’s activity table, I actually briefly considered the batteries in the smoke detector before opting for another essential electronic (the remote control). The baby continued to be entertained/distracted by the obviously-straight-from-hell singing activity table, and I got 5 minutes to scavenge for something to eat. Win, win.
11. Children’s toys. The vast majority will sing several songs, each more irritating than the last. The person who invented those singing children’s toys CLEARLY never had children. Or was hard of hearing. Or hated parents...
12. Before leaving the house, I now make a mental list of all the essential things I need and pep talk myself: “sippy cup? Check. Dipes and wipes? Check. Lovey? Check... Fantastic, I’m all set! I’m super organized and in control.” Just as my ego swells and I pull out of the driveway, I look down and notice I’m still wearing my slippers. The furry ones. Damn. True story.
Monkey now has 2.5 teeth, uses a spoon to catapult food at me, stands for 1.035 seconds all by herself, decides all our books require re-organizing on a regular basis and throws them all on the floor, and no longer falls for the ol’ ‘bait and switch’ routine anymore (remove non-baby friendly item from her hand and replace it with baby chew toy. No go.).
I'll be returning to work in a few weeks and Monkey will undoubtedly unleash her reign of terror on the daycare and all those who dare stand in the way of her and her BPA-filled toy of the day. I nearly lost an arm the last time I did that.
So there have been a number of changes, but the (mostly) gummy grins and shrieks of delight when I make ridiculous faces make it all worthwhile. She's a an absolute sweetheart (73% of the time).
